Empower Yourself
CAN YOUR RELATIONSHIP SURVIVE CHEATING? by Kevin Chappell, Ebony Magazine
CHEAP red lipstick on his bleached white collar finally blew his cover. Another man's belt under her couch finally put an end to her sneaky game of sexcapades. In the high-stakes world of undercover lovers, where creeping is king and self-gratification is the order of the day, one slip-up is all it takes to blow a cover and end a relationship.
Of course, many cheaters never have to fess up to their scurrilous actions, and the mere suspicion of being a cheat doesn't mean much. But for the ones who get caught committing the sinister act--when the cheater's worst nightmare comes true--the ramifications are earthshaking. "The trust is gone, completely gone," says Michael Baisden, relationship counselor and author of Never Satisfied: How and Why Men Cheat. "And trust is the most important thing in a relationship."
Relationship experts estimate three out of every four men in a committed relationship cheat, and about one-half of women. If these numbers are to be believed, it means that the majority of people in relationships have cheated.
It's been said that the only thing worse than cheating is getting caught cheating. Because unlike anything else, cheating is perhaps the most personally demoralizing thing one person can do to another person. Try as a cheater might, once the other person has the unarguable, undeniable, don't-say-nothing-cause-you're busted goods, there's nothing that can be done to patch things up, make things better, turn back the hands of time. Cheating can't be justified away; it can't be reasoned away; it can't be ignored or forgiven.
Or can it? Can someone who has been caught giving in to temptation be given a second chance, be trusted to do right in the future?
Maybe and maybe not. It all depends on the cheater, the cheated on, and the type of cheating that was committed. Experts say there are many underlying reasons people cheat. The most common include flaws with a person's ego, or low security and/or maturity level. But sometimes it simply boils down to opportunity.
Baisden says a relationship can survive cheating "but it's not likely." He says a man and a woman are more likely to remain together if the indiscretion was a spur-of-the-moment, one-time "fling" rather than a lengthy affair. "If there's been lying and concealing going on, with the person having had time to think about his or her actions and continues to cheat anyway, then there's more of a chance that the relationship will end than if it was a one-time thing that happened in the heat of the moment."
Audrey B. Chapman, a family and relationship counselor in the Washington, D.C.-area agrees, adding that cheating definitely has degrees of severity attached to it. "The habitual cheater has a problem," Chapman says. "In general, it's an addition and is more related to their need to be dependent on others to feel okay. It's a chronic dependence, a constant need for affirmation, on the same level of people who are addicted gamblers, alcoholics, people on drugs."
Whether or not a relationship can survive cheating also depends on who did the cheating. Baisden says if a man cheats, there's a chance he will be forgiven, but if a woman gets caught, "it's definitely over," Baisden says, "because that is a direct assault on his manhood, and he wants no part of that; he will not want to have anything to do with that woman."
Experts say many women cheat because they are looking to reinforce that they are desirable and still attractive. Others do it because their husbands or boyfriends are lousy at making them feel passionate.
For cheating men, there is usually a sense that something is missing in the relationship or in them. Sometimes it's that they don't feel there is enough passion in the relationship. Other times it's a feeling that his partner is not available to him, or that his partner doesn't take time to listen to him. Then he meets the other woman and she "becomes this person who is sort of like a surrogate wife-therapist," Chapman says, "because she listens to all the problems, and why the marriage is so miserable and what happened."
Chapman tells the story of a couple in their upper 40s in which the woman spent most of her time and energy on the road for her job. "The marriage was her second thought. Her husband came into play only after she had taken care of all of her job interests," she says. "Her husband was as loyal as he could be, but felt he was second place in the marriage, like he was an afterthought more or less. She felt that as long as she kept the house clean and neat and did the meals when she was there, and showed up for all of the more important family affairs, she was doing her job. He didn't feel that way. He felt neglected, unattended to, unloved. So he ultimately had an affair."
So why isn't cheating automatic grounds for breaking up? Experts say the reasons are as different as men and women. While a man's ego most times will not allow him to remain with a cheating woman, females traditionally have been more inclined to tolerate their man's scurrilous ways. For some men, this is their go-ahead to commit infidelity.
In my opinion, there can be only one common denominator for such universal tolerance, and that is fear, more precisely, the woman's fear of being alone," Baisden says. "This paralyzing dread of waking up to an empty bed, and growing old without a mate is all the leverage the cheating man will need to take complete control and full advantage of his relationship. He has predetermined there will be no serious repercussions for his actions."
But even when it is clear that cheating will not be tolerated, that is no assurance that it will not happen again. Experts say it is a misconception that cheaters can simply turn on and oft their creeping ways at the snap of a finger. For many, cheating is an addiction, and the behavior is usually learned by years of watching either cheating parents or friends who are morally bankrupt. "Those who have witnessed years of negative examples aren't as easily deprogramed ...," Baisden says. "They are by-products of their families and environment and this is at the root of who and what they are. As the saying goes, `The fruit doesn't fall far from the tree.'"
But in the end, whether or not a relationship can survive cheating ultimately depends on the two people involved. Counseling, prayer and heart-to-heart talks can help, but facing it head-on is the only true way to solve the problem.
In the ruthless game of cheating, there are no romantic conclusions or happy endings, only rude awakenings and hard lessons ...," Baisden says. "Infidelity is not a feeble condition which simply fades away like a headache or the common cold. It is a potent disease, which will resurface over and over again until someone puts an end to it, once and for all."
CHEAP red lipstick on his bleached white collar finally blew his cover. Another man's belt under her couch finally put an end to her sneaky game of sexcapades. In the high-stakes world of undercover lovers, where creeping is king and self-gratification is the order of the day, one slip-up is all it takes to blow a cover and end a relationship.
Of course, many cheaters never have to fess up to their scurrilous actions, and the mere suspicion of being a cheat doesn't mean much. But for the ones who get caught committing the sinister act--when the cheater's worst nightmare comes true--the ramifications are earthshaking. "The trust is gone, completely gone," says Michael Baisden, relationship counselor and author of Never Satisfied: How and Why Men Cheat. "And trust is the most important thing in a relationship."
Relationship experts estimate three out of every four men in a committed relationship cheat, and about one-half of women. If these numbers are to be believed, it means that the majority of people in relationships have cheated.
It's been said that the only thing worse than cheating is getting caught cheating. Because unlike anything else, cheating is perhaps the most personally demoralizing thing one person can do to another person. Try as a cheater might, once the other person has the unarguable, undeniable, don't-say-nothing-cause-you're busted goods, there's nothing that can be done to patch things up, make things better, turn back the hands of time. Cheating can't be justified away; it can't be reasoned away; it can't be ignored or forgiven.
Or can it? Can someone who has been caught giving in to temptation be given a second chance, be trusted to do right in the future?
Maybe and maybe not. It all depends on the cheater, the cheated on, and the type of cheating that was committed. Experts say there are many underlying reasons people cheat. The most common include flaws with a person's ego, or low security and/or maturity level. But sometimes it simply boils down to opportunity.
Baisden says a relationship can survive cheating "but it's not likely." He says a man and a woman are more likely to remain together if the indiscretion was a spur-of-the-moment, one-time "fling" rather than a lengthy affair. "If there's been lying and concealing going on, with the person having had time to think about his or her actions and continues to cheat anyway, then there's more of a chance that the relationship will end than if it was a one-time thing that happened in the heat of the moment."
Audrey B. Chapman, a family and relationship counselor in the Washington, D.C.-area agrees, adding that cheating definitely has degrees of severity attached to it. "The habitual cheater has a problem," Chapman says. "In general, it's an addition and is more related to their need to be dependent on others to feel okay. It's a chronic dependence, a constant need for affirmation, on the same level of people who are addicted gamblers, alcoholics, people on drugs."
Whether or not a relationship can survive cheating also depends on who did the cheating. Baisden says if a man cheats, there's a chance he will be forgiven, but if a woman gets caught, "it's definitely over," Baisden says, "because that is a direct assault on his manhood, and he wants no part of that; he will not want to have anything to do with that woman."
Experts say many women cheat because they are looking to reinforce that they are desirable and still attractive. Others do it because their husbands or boyfriends are lousy at making them feel passionate.
For cheating men, there is usually a sense that something is missing in the relationship or in them. Sometimes it's that they don't feel there is enough passion in the relationship. Other times it's a feeling that his partner is not available to him, or that his partner doesn't take time to listen to him. Then he meets the other woman and she "becomes this person who is sort of like a surrogate wife-therapist," Chapman says, "because she listens to all the problems, and why the marriage is so miserable and what happened."
Chapman tells the story of a couple in their upper 40s in which the woman spent most of her time and energy on the road for her job. "The marriage was her second thought. Her husband came into play only after she had taken care of all of her job interests," she says. "Her husband was as loyal as he could be, but felt he was second place in the marriage, like he was an afterthought more or less. She felt that as long as she kept the house clean and neat and did the meals when she was there, and showed up for all of the more important family affairs, she was doing her job. He didn't feel that way. He felt neglected, unattended to, unloved. So he ultimately had an affair."
So why isn't cheating automatic grounds for breaking up? Experts say the reasons are as different as men and women. While a man's ego most times will not allow him to remain with a cheating woman, females traditionally have been more inclined to tolerate their man's scurrilous ways. For some men, this is their go-ahead to commit infidelity.
In my opinion, there can be only one common denominator for such universal tolerance, and that is fear, more precisely, the woman's fear of being alone," Baisden says. "This paralyzing dread of waking up to an empty bed, and growing old without a mate is all the leverage the cheating man will need to take complete control and full advantage of his relationship. He has predetermined there will be no serious repercussions for his actions."
But even when it is clear that cheating will not be tolerated, that is no assurance that it will not happen again. Experts say it is a misconception that cheaters can simply turn on and oft their creeping ways at the snap of a finger. For many, cheating is an addiction, and the behavior is usually learned by years of watching either cheating parents or friends who are morally bankrupt. "Those who have witnessed years of negative examples aren't as easily deprogramed ...," Baisden says. "They are by-products of their families and environment and this is at the root of who and what they are. As the saying goes, `The fruit doesn't fall far from the tree.'"
But in the end, whether or not a relationship can survive cheating ultimately depends on the two people involved. Counseling, prayer and heart-to-heart talks can help, but facing it head-on is the only true way to solve the problem.
In the ruthless game of cheating, there are no romantic conclusions or happy endings, only rude awakenings and hard lessons ...," Baisden says. "Infidelity is not a feeble condition which simply fades away like a headache or the common cold. It is a potent disease, which will resurface over and over again until someone puts an end to it, once and for all."
